In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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