i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
