Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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