It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
