No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just invented taco cereal.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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