You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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