Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
