For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
