Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
