Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just pee around me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I supernannyed him into submission
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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