Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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