the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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