I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize