I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
