Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
