Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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