I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
