Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize