??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
