i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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