I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
