The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
