I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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