Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
