grandma shit on top of the toilet
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
