she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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