i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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