Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
