At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
