this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
