dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
