I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
