everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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