My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
