i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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