i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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