Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
