He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
