There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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