The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
