I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
