If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
