Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize