I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
