I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize