I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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