i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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