Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
