there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
