u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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