if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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