someone get that fucking seahorse.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
