Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
