oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize