Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry about my life...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
