i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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