Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
