I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
