I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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